i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
