Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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