I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
