my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
