so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
