im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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