why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
