I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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