If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
