I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
