I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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