It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
