He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Someone signed my nipple.
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