God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
