You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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