i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
