It's like God shit irony all over that family
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bring me that man meat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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