Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
