I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
