I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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