i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
