I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
two words...techno handjob
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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