i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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