how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
