There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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