so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
where are my eyebrows?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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