guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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