JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
