Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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