Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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