So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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