I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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