To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
