okay pat passed out under dana's car
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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