Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
