if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
