You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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