Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
