i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
