look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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