my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
