Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
