i wish starbucks made bloody marys
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
