Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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