im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
