We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
