I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
