Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
