If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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