how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
