hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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