Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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