It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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