The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
